Events of Persian origin

Sorry, at the time of print no verifiable source was available

Jeesh Daram
December 28, 2006

From time to time we hear about how a festival that the western world celebrates today actually originated in Persia. Problem is nobody gives us any information as where do they get such information from. Not giving the source document where the information was extracted can put a shadow of doubt over the validity of information.

Here is one: Christmas celebration was actually a Persian thing!

The first time I got that piece of historical claim was about four years ago through an email. Since then each year I get emails from more and more people each of whom remind me of this historical discovery with a little twist from prior year. How Christmas originated in Persia by celebrating birth of Mitra and then how the Romans stole the idea and replaced birth of Mitra with that of Jesus,. Persians used to bring pine trees indoor and put decorations on it and bla bla bla bla, etc. OK, I am a believer but could you tell me who the historian was that recorded this fact? Or did this dawn on you after eating a lot of "addas polo ba noon sangak?"

Here is my list of other Persian festivities copied or stolen by the western countries. Sorry, at the time of print no verifiable source was available.

* Thanksgiving Day in United States was originated in Iran (I have to check the exact date). Persians sacrificed a turkey whenever they bought or built a house. They called it Thanksgiving. The Germans later were inspired and made the song called "Dankichen oh Dankichen, Bittschen, oh Bittischen...." Persians used to butcher a turkey and stuff his ass with baked potato, rice and carrots and later on after having the meal they all used to sit around and watch from their windows the Thanksgiving Day sport which was the local Persian Polo played on the streets. Children used to go to their room and masturbate.

* Halloween was originated 2500 years ago in Persia when farmers celebrated the harvest moon each year in autumn. They used to put sheep skin on their heads and consumed lots of wine, raised hell and went anonymously after each other's wives and remained incognito! Until Arabs invaded Iran and put stop to that nonsense and put covers over women so that poor men don't get sexually excited seeing a woman during such festivities.

* What you think is Macy's Parade actually started in Persia during Safavid dynasty in the city of Isfahan. During that festival called Mayseer Parade people in Isfahan used to get a belly full of wine ('may' in Persian) and the word "seer" means a full stomach. That festival was financially sponsored by a famous shop in the main bazaar of Isfahan and carnival atmosphere was all over the market place. All shops used to put signs on their doors as "50% OFF" but in reality there was no discount. Later New York's Macy's the American department store stole the idea and took advantage of the similarity between the words Mayseer and Macy's!

* 4th of July was originated in Iran during the Saljooghian Dynasty and the contemporary mathematician and poet Omar Khayam. Each summer on the eve of 4th of July Khayam and his good old buddy Hassan Sabbah used to get together with bunch of their friends in Neshabour and celebrated Sabbah's divorce anniversary from his third wife (4th of July) by drinking lots of wine (Khayam was a wino) and then later that night setting fire on trashcans around neighborhood. Within an hour the entire town of Neshabour was covered with lights from the burning trash and the rancid stench of the trash. Later in United States they made sure that the Independence Day is celebrated on the 4th of July so that it would replace this old Persian celebration.

* Bastille Day celebrated in France each year for the anniversary of the date that the revolutionaries attacked the castle of Bastille in 1789 and the rest is history. Well, here we are again. This particular celebration also originated in Tehran, Iran a few decades earlier. The origin of the celebration is attributed to when religious people attacked and ransacked the red zone district of Tehran called "Shahreh-no", where prostitutes dwelled and provided their services legally. French later made sure to time their attack on Bastille with this Persian event.

Persians consequently rebuilt Shareh-no and allowed women to return to their business. However, after the Islamic Revolution, Shahreh-no was once again destroyed and like in France the monarchy came to an end in Persia. The new republic forced the prostitution to the streets of Tehran. The government's logic was that it's unfair that the people of north Tehran have to drive so far to visit Shahreh-no and by pushing and spreading prostitution all over the city they gave an equal opportunity to all the zealot fornicators.

A few other celebrations that originated in Persia are: Pasadena Rose Parade, Easter, Valentine Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day and finally Columbus Day and New York Marathon.

The modern Persian doesn't ask for proofs, she just takes it by faith.

Proctologists Without Borders

DOCTORS

Jeesh Daram
January 27, 2007

How many times have you asked a child, "sweetheart what do you want to be when you grow up?" Most kids answer an astronaut, firefighter, policeman or a doctor, but do you ever hear a child say, "I want to become a urologist" or even worse a "proctologist?" Don't take me wrong I know how important this field is, but what is it that triggers someone to pursue such career? These are the morbid thoughts that keep me awake during the day.

While we are at it let's have an illustration: How does a proctologist respond on his first blind date with a beautiful girl in a fancy restaurant, while the dinner is being served she asks: "so what do you exactly do for living?" and he has to hesitantly reply: "I am a proctologist!" Mother of Jesus, that puts shiver into your spine just to think about it.

I mean if someone says "brain surgeon" or "heart surgeon" then in your mind you think of the brain or you visualize the heart, but how do you show your admiration when you hear the word proctologist on the first date?

We can only speculate and assume that the top medical schools' graduates will become brain surgeons, neurologists or vascular surgeons and then the leftover seats go to would be urologists and the final few seats to the proctologist that usually end up just standing at the end of the class due to unavailability of seats. I could be wrong but doesn't't that sound logical that nobody would volunteer for such career and it only happens due to force majeure, act of god or kismet that one becomes a proctologist?

Take for example a "general practician doctor" which I believe is basically there like a toll booth to collect your $10 co-payment, strike a rubber hammer to your knee caps once a year and ruining your day by sticking his finger up your ass and then says "everything looks good!" At this day and age that man has sent remote control rovers to planets Mars, to the Moon and beyond why is it that we have not invented a remote control probe to search for prostate inflammation to replace the doctors' fingers? And then you blame me for believing in conspiracy theory! Suffice to say that a general practician is nothing more than an obstacle and hurdle between you and a true specialist that he ends up sending you to when he is puzzled what's wrong with you.

Years ago I was flying from LA to DC and somewhere between the ground and 30,000 feet an old man got a heart attack inside our airplane. Within a minute the stewardess came and asked the man who was sitting next to me if he is a medical doctor because his name was listed as a doctor on the passengers list.

The man put down his magazine, removed his glasses and with his five fingers combed back his hair and with an air of self-gratification like one would only expect from Marcello Masteroianni responded: "I am a doctor of entomology." Or if translated into Adult Education English we presume that he studied insects.

Up above the clouds that day all of us were as useful as this "doctor" was or as useless! An average moron gets bored five minutes after catching flies, and what does a doctor of entomology do between 9-5 each day? Come to think of it aren't we all entomologists in our own accord?

There should be a law passed enforcing only doctors of medicine to be called "doctors" and the rest of people with a PhD or a doctorate to be addressed with other titles such as Senior or Maestro, and in particular forbid attorneys to advertise themselves as "doctors" for Pete's sake. Those who got their PhD or doctorate on-line and through the Internet should be addressed as CyberSpaceMaestro or anything but "Doctor."

Reflecting on words of wisdom of country western singer Willie Nelson:

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys...

And if my doctor reads the above he would probably remind of me of what the Persian poet Saadi said:

"cho beh gashty tabeeb az khod mayazaar
cheragh az bahreh tareekee negahdaar"

Color me green

I found out that 87 nations of the world have some green color in their national flag

Jeesh daram
January 21, 2007
iranian.com

For decades historians and economist and political scientists have been trying to pinpoint the cause(s) of what makes some nations of the world successful in many ways and others to be struggling. One thing we know is that being a rich country does not guarantee democracy or economic success, take Iran or Saudi Arabia or Iraq as prime examples. So if wealth of a nation does not bring democracy and happiness then what does?

Some believe that theocracy is the cause of a national failure while others blame geographic location and some blame foreign interference as the cause of their misery.

Regardless of how true or false any of the above factors might be however none of those reasons can be taken as one major common denominator that would make such nations of the world to be categorized either as a success or failures.

Well, in my humble geopolitical laboratory which is located in the corner of my bathroom I spent substantial part of my life pondering and trying to find the “one” common denominator that makes independent nations of the world either success stories or failures.

Before I reveal what that common denominator is, let’s take a look at the nations of the world and separate them into two loosely defined categories:

• Good
• Mediocre

• “Good” to be defined as a country that its people enjoy a great degree of liberty, economic success, freedom of expression, speech and idea, having the freedom to travel and alliance with similar countries that are enjoying success. High relative GDP, mostly having high per capita income. A place that people would want to live in and migrate to.
• “Mediocre” to be defined as a country that is generally governed by a despotic or an unelected rule, a corrupt government, oppressed people, third world status, mostly viewed by other countries as radical, lack of freedom for its people to travel extensively, poverty among the people despite the fact that the territory might be rich in many resources. Having low GDP, and low per capita income. A country that its people prefer to emigrate.

Given the above definitions now let me remind you that there are 193 countries in the world today (Taiwan not included.) In my research I found out that the one common factor that all “Mediocre” countries of the world share with each other is having the color “green” in their national flag! Or expressed in another way, no successful country with today’s standards has any green color in its national flag.

We hear that in the case of Middle East green represents Islam but this is as false as if we say the color red represents wine or the blood of Jesus, which although a popular belief but most likely only a false assumption.

I found out that 87 nations of the world have some green color in their national flag (please see the list.) That means 45% of the nations are among the “B” category above and Islam or Christianity have nothing to do with it. The common factor is the green color in their flags. I did however find three deviations or aberrations from my theory and those are Brazil, Ireland and Italy. The only three countries that one might not want to place in the “B” category, but the rest are well within the guidelines. On the other hand most (but not all) successful economies or nations have the variation of color “blue” in their flag.

Conclusion
One may wonder if a nation in “B” group wants to break away from the stigma of that category is to get rid of the “green” in their flag and replace it with “blue”? Isn’t that interesting that just about all Middle Eastern countries have green in their flag but Israel does not and she has blue instead? While many European nations have color blue in their flags but only two have the color green (Ireland and Italy).

So my one word of caution to those ethnicities that aspire to have their own nation state is –pick the color “green” in your flag and your freedom and economy will go down the drain, choose “blue” and you have a chance to flourish. Comment

Nations with color "Green" in their national flag
Afghanistan	Gabon	Madagascar	Senegal
Algeria	Gambia	Malawi	Seychelles
Azerbaijan	Ghana	Maldives	Sierra Leone
Bangladesh	Grenada	Mali	Solomon Islands
Belarus	Guinea	Mauritania	South Africa
Bermuda	Guinea-Bissau	Mauritius	Sri Lanka
Benin	Guyana	Mexico	St. Christopher-News
Bolivia	Hungary	Montenegro	St. Vincent and Grenadines
Brazil	India	Morocco	Sudan
Bulgaria	Iran	Mozambique	Surinam
Burkina Faso	Iraq	Namibia	Syria
Burundi	Ireland	Nicaragua	Tajikistan
Cameroon	Italy	Niger	Tanzania
Central African Republic	Ivory Coast	Nigeria	Togo
Comoros	Jamaica	Oman	Turkmenistan
Congo	Jordan	Pakistan	United Arab Emirates
Cyprus	Kenya	Palestine	US Virgin Islands
Djibouti	Kuwait	Peru	Uzbekistan
Dominica	Lebanon	Portugal	Vanuatu
Equatorial Guinea	Lesotho	Rwanda	Zambia
Eritrea	Libya	Sao Tome & Principe	Zimbabwe
Ethiopia	Lithuania	Saudi Arabia

چاپار آزاده

گردشی در کوچه باغ های درون

share

by Jeesh Daram
07-Jan-2008

هان ای دل عبرت ‌بین از دیده نظر کن هان
ایوان مدائن را آینه عبرت دان

تنی چند از دوستان براین حقیر خرده گرفتند، که تنزل فکری پیدا کرده ایم و یکی دو مطلب یا مقاله اخیر، موجب کاهش و خلل در میزان خنده و تبسم ایشان گردیده است.
برخی تحقیر میکنند و گروهی تحدید و یا تهدید، که هم از تصویر مجازی خسرو پرویزدروغین بد نگو، هم پوراندخت قلاّبی را مطرح نکن و سخنی از سیاست طلبان جاه طلبی که دویست تن را بکشتن میدهند تا آنکه خود جان بکنند را بمیان نیاور و به جرگۀ عبایشان برخورده است. چه؟ که ایشان دراوج شادی افیونی خود، تصاویری بسیار زیبا از قهرمانان اسطوره ای آینده کشیده اند که مانند برنج باسماتی در حال دم کشیدن است، و همه چشم انتتظار. قلم دست و پایت را میشکنند، اگر کنجکاوی نموده و ابلهانه دم کنی را از روی دیگ برداری.

گه گه به زبان اشک آواز ده ایوان را
تا گو که به گوش دل پاسخ شنوی زیوان

قهرمان سازی ایرانی همانا بمانند علم کیمیاگری است، که فقط معدودی از افراد نظر کرده، در پشت پرده های رنگین و با دستهای نامرئی، مطلا و آهن ناچیز را طلا کنند و جاه طلبان را قهرمان. سایرمردم موظفند به تعظیم و فرود آوردن سر و ضمن انتظار برای پلوی نذری، به سر دادن شعارهای حماسی بپردازند، به همان گونه ای که ماکیاولی تجویز کرده است. شعارهائی، که نویسندگان آن اکثرأ علمای اخوان المسلمین ساکن لندن و پاریس و شاهدوستان پراکنده در غرب و یا جانشینان ایشان در حکومت ایران امروزند.

از ناله جغد الحق ماییم به دردسر
از دیده گلابی کن دردسر ما بنشان
آری چه عجب داری که‌اندر چمن گیتی
جغد است پی بلبل نوحه است پی الحان

جمعاً حکم دادند و تصویب نمودند و دراوراق تاریخ هم ثبت کردند، که آنکه در پاکستان ترور شد (و چه بسا ظرف همین یکهفته نام اورا فراموش کردند)، زنهار که یک قهرمان بود و "ثبت است بر جریده عالم" دوام او و ما از مرحله پرت هستیم که عکسش را هنوز درآلبوم قهرمانان قرار نداده ایم. که میزان این غفلت، بهمان اندازه است که اگر کاسب کاری در زمان رژیم سابق، عکس اعلیحضرت را بدیوار مغازه آویزان نمیکرد. یا اگر امروزهمان ملّت مرده پرست عکس دشمن اورا بدیوار دکانهایشان نیاویزند. به همین دلیل پس از تروراخیردرپاکستان، بار دیگرغیرت ملی فی ما بین همین چند نفرزنده بگوران مرده پرست بیدارشد و به امثال ما ناچیزان یادآوری کردند و هشدار، که فقط "مارا بخندانید" و "فضولی" در مسائل پیچیده را موقوف فرمودند.

گویی که نگون کردست ایوان فلک‌وش را
حکم فلک گردان یا حکم فلک‌گردان

حالا سئوال بنده اینست، که ما کجا امضا دادیم و قباله سپردیم که هدفمان از نوشتن چند سطری، قلقلک دادن و خنداندن خلق است؟ اگر ناشرین تصمیم میگیرند مطلبی را در قسمت "طنز" چاپ کنند، و شما هم بخاطر سلامت مزاج قدری میخندید، آیا این الزامأ دلیل به آنست که هدف ما ایجاد کرکر خنده در بین شما و دوستان بوده است؟ چه لزومی به تذکر است اگر میخندید و یا میگریید، ما که آبونمان جمع نکرده ایم که ترسی از پس دادن آن داشته باشیم!

شما پیام آور را مجازات میکنید به جرم حمل پیام. ما چاپاری هستیم آزاده در جاده ای گلی و بی انتها، سوار بر خری رنجور و لنگان که او نیز عینک آبی رنگ بچشم زده و اگر گنبد خضری را در افق بما نشان دهید باز هم "گنبد نما" بکسی نمیدهیم و "نرود میخ آهنین در سنگ".
وقتی کوکب سادات با دوستش، درد دل کرده و از آذرمیدخت مجازی و یا شهید پاکستانی انتقاد میکند، این غم هجران یک پیرزن از وطنی است که در بازارهای جاده ابریشم تاروپودش به حراج گذاشته شده است و ناموسش در ملأ عام. و یا وقتی نویسنده، شاهد روضه خوانی یک کلاش خانم باز در مسجد پامنار است و شما را مطلع میکند تا مواظب فرزندان آینده خود باشید، آیا تصور میکنید هدفش تولید و تحریک کرکر خنده است، یا آنکه مطرح کردن حقیقتی تلخ؟ چرا غمگین شده اید که نمیتوانید بخندید؟

بر دیده من خندید کینجا ز چه می‌گرید؟
گریند بر آن دیده کینجا نشود گریان

گه گه به زبان اشک آواز ده ایوان را
تا گو که به گوش دل پاسخ شنوی زیوان
دندانه هر قصری پندی دهدت نونو
پند سر دندانه بشنو ز بن دندان
یکی دوتا هم با لباس ارتشی که دیگر برایشان تنگ شده است ظاهر شدند و از دادن فحش و ناسزا کوتاهی نکردند. برخی تصور میکنند که یک ارتشی و یا بطور کلی یک نظامی الزامأ، وطن پرست تر از یک فرد فقیر پا برهنه میباشد! ما در این چند صباح عمر بسیار دیدیم نظامی دزد، ولی بخاطر نداریم پابرهنه فقیری که محکوم به وطن فروشی شده باشد.

گفتی که کجا رفتند آن تاجوران اینک
زایشان شکم خاکست آبستن جاویدان
بس دیر همی زاید آبستن خاک آری
دشوار بود زادن نطفه ستدن آسان
خون دل شیرین است آن می که دهد رزوان
زاق دل پرویز است آن خم که نهد دهقان

نمونه ای کوچک از کار بسیاری از نظامیان هم آن بود که صف طویل مردم را جلوی سینما ها نادیده بگیرند و دست همسر و یا نشمه شان را گرفته بروند جلوی صفوف طولانی و با غرور و تبخترفراوان، بلیط خریده و وارد سینما شوند. همان مردم زحمتکشی که شاهد آن زورگویی ها بودند، بعد هم درون سینما با اکراه جلوی تصویر اعلیحضرت باید بلند میشدند،و آنها بودند که سرانجام ندای انتقامجویانه خمینی را لبیک گفتند و به امپراطوری انگلیس و شرکای روسی ایشان سر تعظیم فرود آوردند.

نی زال مدائن کم، از پیرزن کوفه
نی حجره تنگ این، کمتر ز تنور آن
این است همان ایوان کز نقش رخ مردم
خاک در او بودی دیوار نگارستان
این است همان درگه کو را ز شهان بودی
دیلم ملک بابل هندو شه ترکستان

آیا آن ارتش کذایی که انباردان قراضه ترین سلاح های آمریکا و انگلیس بود، فاتح کدام جنگ بود، که افسرانش با چنان گستاخی حق مردم غیر نظامی را چپ و راست پایمال کنند؟ حالاهم در خفا با هرکدام مصاحبه میکنید، ژست کارشناسان سیاسی را میگیرند و در پاسخ سئوال "چه شد؟" میگویند "ما بشاه گفتیم، ولی گوش نمیکرد".... پس شما که به شاه گفتید چرا دیگر امروزه به ملکه تان و یا به "ابناء ذکورش" نمیگوئید! و اگر شاه گوش نمیکرد، آیا شما به که گوش میکردید؟

این است همان صفه کز هیبت او بردی
بر شیر فلک حمله شیر تن شادروان
پندار همان عهد است از دیده فکرت‌بین
در سلسله درگه در کوکبه میدان

بهرصورت، اینهم فرصتی بود که قدری درکوچه باغهای اشعار جاویدان خاقانی پرسه بزنیم. به درستی، شعر ایوان مدائن ارزش خواندن روزانه دارد. یعنی اگر فردی اشعار ذیل را مطالعه کند، دیگر نیاز ندارد که از خصال نیک این شاه و آن ملکه به او بگویند، گول این آخوند و یا آن آخوند را بخورد و منت این و آن را بکشد.

چندین تن جباران کین خاک فرو خورده ست
این گرسنه چشم آخر هم سیر نشد زایشان
از خون دل طفلان سرخاب رخ آمیزد
این زال سپید ابرو وین مام سیه پستان

====

اینهم متن کامل شعر ایوان مدائن:

هان ای دل عبرت‌بین از دیده نظر کن هان
ایوان مدائن را آینه عبرت دان
یک ره ز ره دجله منزل به مدائن کن
وز دیده دوم دجله بر خاک مدائن ران
خود دجله چنان گرید صد دجله خون گویی
کز گرمی خون‌آبش آتش چکد از مژگان
با دجله گر آمیزد باد لب و سوز دل
نیمی شود افسرده نیمی شود آتشدان
بینی که لب دجله چون کف به دهان آرد
گویی ز کف آهش لب آبله زد چندان
از آتش حسرت بین بریان جگر دجله
خود آب شنیدستی که‌آتش کندش بریان
بر دجله گری نو نو وز دیده زکاتش ده
گرچه لب دریا هست از دجله زکاتستان
تا سلسله ایوان بگسست مدائن را
در سلسله شد دجله چون سلسله شد پیچان
گه گه به زبان اشک آواز ده ایوان را
تا گو که به گوش دل پاسخ شنوی زیوان
دندانه هر قصری پندی دهدت نونو
پند سر دندانه بشنو ز بن دندان
گویند که تو از خاکی ما خاک توییم اکنون
گامی دو سه بر ما نه اشکی دو سه هم بفشان
از ناله جغد الحق ماییم به دردسر
از دیده گلابی کن دردسر ما بنشان
آری چه عجب داری که‌اندر چمن گیتی
جغد است پی بلبل نوحه است پی الحان
ما بارگه دادیم این رفت ستم بر ما
بر قصر ستم‌کاران تا خود چه رسد خذلان
گویی که نگون کردست ایوان فلک‌وش را
حکم فلک گردان یا حکم فلک‌گردان
بر دیده من خندید کینجا ز چه می‌گرید؟
گریند بر آن دیده کینجا نشود گریان
نی زال مدائن کم از پیرزن کوفه
نی حجره تنگ این کمتر ز تنور آن
این است همان ایوان کز نقش رخ مردم
خاک در او بودی دیوار نگارستان
این است همان درگه کو را ز شهان بودی
دیلم ملک بابل هندو شه ترکستان
این است همان صفه کز هیبت او بردی
بر شیر فلک حمله شیر تن شادروان
پندار همان عهد است از دیده فکرت‌بین
در سلسله درگه در کوکبه میدان
از اسب پیاده شو بر نطع زمین نه رخ
زیر پی پیلش بین شه مات شده نعمان
نی نی که چو نعمان بین پیل افکن شاهان را
پیلان شب و روزش کشته به پی دوران
ای بس شه پیل‌افکن کف کنده ز شه پیلی
شطرنجی تقدیرش در ماتگه حرمان
مست است زمین زیرا خورده ست به‌جای می
درکاس سر هرمز خون دل نوشروان
بس پند که بود آن‌گه برتاج سرش پیدا
صد پند نو است اکنون در مغز سرش پنهان
کسری و ترنج زر پرویز و به زرین
بر باد شده یکسر با خاک شده یکسان
پرویز به هر خانی زرین تره آوردی
کردی ز بساط زر زرین تره را بستان
پرویز کنون گم شد زان گمشده کمتر گوی
زرین تره کو بر خوان رو کم‌ترکوا بر خوان
گفتی که کجا رفتند آن تاجوران اینک
زایشان شکم خاکست آبستن جاویدان
بس دیر همی زاید آبستن خاک آری
دشوار بود زادن نطفه ستدن آسان
خون دل شیرین است آن می که دهد رزوان
زاق دل پرویز است آن خم که نهد دهقان
چندین تن جباران کین خاک فرو خورده ست
این گرسنه چشم آخر هم سیر نشد زایشان
از خون دل طفلان سرخاب رخ آمیزد
این زال سپید ابرو وین مام سیه پستان
خاقانی ازین درگه دریوزه عبرت کن
تا از در تو عبرت دریوزه کند خاقان
امروز گر از سلطان رندی طلبد توشه
فردا ز در رندی توشه طلبد سلطان
گر زاد ره مکه توشه است به هر شهری
نو زاد مداین بر تحفه ز پی شروان
اخوان که زره آیند آرند ره آوردی
این قطعه ره آوردیست از بهر دل اخوان

شهید بوتو

آخه یکی نیست به این پهلوی ها بگه، بابا حالا جرأت نمیکنین ایران برین اقلاأ یک سر تا ترکیه برین دلتون بازشه

share

by Jeesh Daram
29-Dec-2007

- اوا..! کوکب سادات، دیدی این طفلک، خانوم " بینظیر بوتو" رو کشتند! خیر نبینند این ذلیل مرده ها!

- آره خدا بیامرزتش، بیخود نیست که میگن سیاست خواهر مادر نداره.
- اگه یادت باشه، بهت گفتم که اون با آب و آتیش بازی میکرد، وگرنه اونطرف دنیا کسی ازاین کارها نمیکنه.
- آره والا، تمام دعوا سر چارقت اون خدا بیامرز بود. هرچی بهش میگفتن یخورده اون روسری تو پائین تر بیار، گوش نمیکرد. لج میکرد، گاهی هم وسط نطقش یکدفعه کشف حجاب میکرد و چارقتشو از سرش ور میداشت!
- یادمه ما تو خیابون ژاله که میشستیم اونجا هم یک زنه بود، یکدفعه وسط خیابون لخت مادرزاد میشد، همه براش پول میریختن.
- راست میگی، ولی این خدا بیامرزتقصیر خودش هم بود. آخه یکی نیست بگه زن! نونت نبود، آبت نبود، قاطی این سیاست بی پدر و مادر چرا شدی؟ خوب توی لندن واسه خودت زندگی داشتی، برو بیایی داشتی. ملک و املاک داشتی! جهارتا خط تلفن و سه تا کنتر برق داشتی، چرا خودتو به کشتن دادی؟

- خوب دیگه، اونهم حتمأ بسرش زده بود و شیرش میکردن که حّی خودشو جلو بندازه. شوهرش هم حریفش نبود. وگرنه هرکس اونور دنیا زندگی کرده دیگه اینو میدونه که نوچه های اخوان المسلمین دست پرورده انگلیس، از مردهای پشمالو مثل کسروی و منصور هم نگذشتند و ترورشون کردند، چه برسه به یک زن زیبای کم حجاب! زهر چشم باید میگرفتن که گرفتند.

- یکی نبود بهش بگه تو هم از این فرح خانوم خودمون یاد بگیر. الان سی ساله آزگار توی آمریکا و اروپا پرسه میزنه، کیفشو میکنه، کنسرت میره، به این موزه پول میده، از اون یکی خرید میکنه، عشق میکنه، روسری هم سرش نمیکنه! هرچند سال یکبار هم یکدونه ازون نطقهای چیزم به طاقی غم انگیز میکنه، که آدم دلش کباب میشه که چطور زنی با داشتن میلیارد، میلیارد دلار پول نقد، باز میتونه صداشو اونجور گه مرغی کنه؟

- آره بخدا! من هروقت یکی از نطقهاشو شنیدم میخواستم از شدّت دلسوزی براش پول بفرستم، ولی دامادم جلومو میگرفت و دعوامون میشد. بطور کلی صداش بمن حالت لینت مزاج میده، تقریبأ مثل آلوبخارا، چه میدونم، پیر شدیم دیگه...

- آخه یکی نیست به این پهلوی ها بگه، بابا حالا جرأت نمیکنین ایران برین اقلاأ یک سر تا ترکیه برین دلتون بازشه، ما واسه خودتون میگیم، وگرنه کون لق ما! برین لب مرز یک خرده با مردم خوشو بش کنین، هوا بخورین، قدری انجیر خشک بخرین بخورین، دوتا قالیچه بخرین، یکخورده سر کیسه رو شل کنین، وا! این پولارو جمع میکنین آخه که چی؟ آخرش هم نوه ها همشو میخورن یک خدا بیامرز هم نمیگن!

- نه اینها صبر کردن تا رفسنجانی دوباره روکار بیاد، اونوقت دیگه کبکشون خروس میخونه!

- اون وقت چی میشه؟

- رفسنجانی که رو کار بیاد، اعلام ائتلاف ملی میکنه، یعنی هر کی میخواد برگرده برگرده، و در چاپیدن مملکت تشریک مساعی کنه. اولش هم فرح و یکی از نوه هاشو دعوت میکنه، پرزدینت کارتر هم باهاشون میره که یعنی بله، انقلاب ما ثمر داد. جاکش بد دهاتی!

- مردم از خنده خواهر! آره اونوقت فرح هم یکدونه از اون نطقهای فرودگاه مهرآبادی معروف هم میکنه و مردم را تشویق به همکاری میکنه و یک دسته گل هم سر خاک خمینی میبره که بقول فرانسوی ها "سمبولیزاسیونش" جور بشه.
- راس میگی والا، مگه اون یاسرعرفات نبود، یک عمر آمریکا میگفت تروریسته (که درست هم میگفت)، بعد کلینتون دعوتش کرد آمریکا، زیر پاش هم قالی قرمزانداخت! اونوقت این ایرانی ها اینجا نشستند میگن شاه بد بود.
- ای خواهر، ماکه سر از این سیاست در نیاوردیم، این بیچاره بینظیر باید از شیرین خانوم عبادی هم یاد میگرفت، توی ایران حجاب اسلامی سرش میکنه ولی خارج که میره از همون توی هواپیما روسریشو ور میداره! یعنی کاری که هیچ هنرپیشه سینما هم نمیکنه!
- آره انگار فقط مردهای ایرانی هستند که از دیدن موی زن شهوتی میشن! وگرنه اگر حجاب لازمه، خوب زن، این قرطی بازیها دیگه چیه؟
- خوب عزیز من برم دیگه دیرم شد...
- نه، بخدا اگه بزارم، امروز طاس کباب درست کردم با ماهیچه گوسفند، نیم ساعت دیگه حاضر میشه، بخور بعد برو.
- نه والا کار دارم، باید خرید هم برم مغازه عربه، امروز قراره باقالی تازه بیاره، دیر برم همش رفته!
- خوب بره، به درک، دیگه از وضع پاکستان که بدتر نمیشه! بمون نهار، بعد هم یک چائی میخوریم درد و دل میکنیم....

I have a dream

It's not just the Islamic Republic and constitutional monarchy that we need to make sure is forever abolished

June 1, 2007

Back in early 60's in Iran the Prime Minister Mr. Hoveyda paid a visit to Peykan automobile factory in Tehran where cars with the same name were assembled and sold at fairly affordable prices for an average middle class family. During that visit the prime minister was quoted as saying "let's all hope for a day that all Iranians drive a Paykan."
Close to half century later, Mr. Hoveyda's dream is not too far from full realization, if only there was enough space on the streets of cities in Iran to afford more cars. His ill wish represents the decadence of a trend that has ruined many other third world countries as well. You certainly can not call this industrialization. Today, a nation is caught in the evils of pollution and traffic insanity, where thousands die each year of lung cancer thanks to our visionary forefathers.
If we had another Mr. Hoveyda today, what do you think he would have wished for all Iranians? Perhaps we can share such wish list over a glass of wine.
Today, Mr. Hoveyda's counterpart might have wished for all Iranians or at least for the ones abroad, to see a day that all of them have their very own and personal radio and TV shows or syndication in Persian language so that we all have the equal opportunity to blast the hell out of each other. I am referring to the Persian language radio and TV stations out of Iran. What is it that makes them tick? Well, Slander, assault, character assassination, smear campaign, labeling and just about any other negative contributions that we can make against each other just because we are Iranians.
Aside from a bit of obvious exaggeration above (bad habits die slowly) needless to say there are those among us that do not participate in character assassination (due to old age or being comatose on a hospital bed) but the rest of us make up for them and even for the deceased ones.
Inherently many of us are trained to discredit anyone who is a public figure or is intending to become one. We love people who are down to earth and "khaki" but we are hesitant and skeptical and frequently despise people who intend to accomplish public popularity. We are perhaps more prone to "geda parvari" or charitable ecstasy than "supporting leadership."
If outside of Iran we see someone on a Persian TV program talking about his plans to unite Iranians or a group of Iranians, our first inclination is to ask "which country's government is behind him?" These are a few typical Persian inquisitions when they see such person on TV:
-- "His face shows he is supported by the CIA"
-- "Look at that nose; it cries 'I am supported by the British'."
-- "With that bald head who the hell does he think he is?"
-- "He must be an agent of the Islamic regime, I can tell one from a mile away."
-- "Most likely he is attempting a fundraising followed with embezzlement."
-- "He certainly seems to be from one of the villages listen to his accent!"
You see, perhaps one of the reasons for this is that Iranians are assumed to be the only nation in the world that just about all of them know about politics, all of them know who are behind the conspiracies and most of them have their very own political solutions. And that is precisely why nothing ever gets done and we keep falling behind.
Here is an example. When someone attempts to introduce a novel political analysis; instead of showing some interest and patience, the only response we give is a long "Baaaleh... meedooonam" with the rolling of the eyes which although it translates as "yes I know" but in reality and in true ulterior Persian lexicon it means "boro dareh kooneto bezaaaar ma khodemoon ostadesheeem, tokhmeh ma ham neestee" or its true translation is "go and screw yourself as I am a philosopher and politician myself!" Now this can very well be an eighteen year old talking back to a fifty year old uncle, but 10,000 years of civilization along the dusty Silk Road has created a nation that sees all as enemy, none trustworthy and nothing immune from its wrath.
What is attempted for clarification here is that perhaps our number one enemy is the one within. Far before Arabs, Muslims, Jews, Bahais, Westerners and Easterners become able to inflict a wound on us as a nation and a culture, we have a tendency to resort to self destruction.
How did we get here is beyond my knowledge but we all have our anecdotal memories of some events that scarred our feeling of trust. I recall clearly that in my 9th grade back in Iran our teacher in the Religion class used to advise us to stand alert against the Bahais. The only two Bahais that I knew then were two gorgeous girls near our neighborhood that we exchanged some glances occasionally.
Our teachers drew this picture of an evil cult that was there to get us and destroy our religion! He was not necessarily a bad person but certainly was not a good teacher and this to stand as a very small example of a very large problem in our culture, the fear of each other. They forced us to read our holy book in Arabic and at the same time mislead us about other religions, sects and cults. Such events left very little chance for us as kids to learn the truth or to hear unbiased discussion about the truth, so most of the damage was done by creation of atmosphere of intolerance along with unconditional obedience.
Then on 10th grade our science teacher completely ignored the entire botany section of our text and instead he advised us that we will be responsible only for the zoology and geology materials of the textbook and not the botany chapters! So what did he teach us instead? He spent the rest of the year talking about the virtues of Shia Imams and guaranteed all of us a passing grade for botany and an "A" for those who would volunteer to write and deliver a lecture about certain Imams. Piece of cake, we skipped botany chapters not learning a damn thing about plants genus and species! But we learned a lot about other stuff that I don't recall. In fact a couple of my classmates kept skipping the botany class from then on and regularly paid a visit to Tehran's whorehouse and within a month we knew the name of the top whores that they befriended on those days. And some of us ended up going to movies instead; it was a kind of fair trade. But I recall at least one good friend who indeed made an "A" in that class.
So, it's not just the Islamic Republic and constitutional monarchy that we need to make sure is forever abolished in our homeland but long before we can unite for such a difficult mission we have to fix the cultural anarchy among us. We need to promise and make a pledge to the spiritual forces, icons and temples or topless dancers that we worship that going forward we'll give each other a five-minute chance to talk before we interrupt with a solid "Baaaleh... meedooonam." Once we accomplish such tolerance it will be the beginning of getting our country back together.
As an Iranian the next time you see someone on the street that also seems to be an Iranian try to control your urges evaluating him based on his bald head, big nose, his beard or accent. Please try to control all such tendencies and greet him or her with respect and if you engage in a conversation try to listen objectively and do not assume that you have the magical ability of scanning his or her background, religious affiliation and his political orientation based on your over-rated sixth sense.
As they say in America "united we stand, divided we fall." Baaaleh... meedooonam

British Plan B

Creating a Benazir Bhoutto for the next round of fooling a nation

May 23, 2007

There have been a lot of discussions in recent years about Iranians abroad visiting their homeland. This prompted me to put down a few possible reasons that entice some expatriates to take such trips despite the risks and conditions in Iran. Here are a few thoughts and you might want to add yours to the list at no charge:
* To find out if there any small apartments available in northern part of Tehran that would be a good investment, so as soon as the regime changes they flip it and pocket the money.
* To search, find and marry a zero-mile-virgin (dokhtareh sefre kilometer) and bring her to USA to do house chores and be a sex slave, not knowing that not only her odometer has been replaced but her gearbox leaks and she will not cook or search for a job but instead she will run a marathon watching Persian language cable TV while longing for divorce from the mucho onion-eating hairy husband who is proud to be a member of the "bald is beautiful club." For her the imminent divorce is the last and final hurdle to eternal freedom and moving to Los Angeles Shangri-La as part of her "manifest destiny."
* To take suitcases full of cosmetics to be sold in Iran with the excuse that they are going to go and visit ailing parents or relatives.
* To prove that they can survive by taking no adversary position against the Islamic monarchy and therefore it is their inalienable right to go back to homeland and take advantage of readily available drugs and desperate women and children selling sex to survive the hardship of life in Iran. These groups come back with such vivid memories telling everyone how much fun they had visiting Iran.
With the exception of those who do not give a shit about what goes on in Iran and call themselves 'apolitical' others will be taking substantial risk visiting Iran. You must have heard how Ms. Esfandiari of Woodrow Wilson International Center was recently arrested in Iran on charges of trying to topple the regime. Some believe she was arrested because she was carrying and trying to take too much saffron out of Iran, but I disagree with that assumption.
I suspect that the main issue with Mrs. Esfadiari is that being a politically active "American", she failed to contact the British Embassy in Washington, D.C. to ask for their permission to go to Iran. Trust me if you are on the British list of anti IRI they will pass your name to the Iranian regime unless you have signed and declared your allegiance to the British, or how else can they assure the survival of the Islamic rule in Iran? Given all possible scenarios I have a hunch that Mrs. Esfandiari is a great catch for the British to once again remind American government to "stay out of Iran." However before I lose your focus let me remind you that the world of political conspiracies is not easily predictable so please read on.
While fully supporting the Islamic regime, the essence of British plan-B regarding the future of politics in Iran is to create a Benazir Bhoutto for the next round of fooling a nation which in Persian-French is called 'mustmaleezation' and in Persian-English it's referred to as 'yogurtification.' Loosely defined, mustmaleezation is when you take a fragile secular nation and fuck its economy, destroy its values and push them back by a century or two by introducing a backward concept of religion and promoting drug addiction and prostitution. Then wait 30 years or more and shift to plan B.
Not only the British are instigating our minorities against each other; they are now clearly encouraging our women against our men. I can see a day that even our beloved Persian cats start filing their grievances against us at the United Nation and Humane Society and the world will look down at us for not recognizing the rights of our pussycats, yet they screw us on every chance they get to get the crude oil out for cheap.
So, to prevent an all out implosion in Iran the most likely panacea would be a woman president in Iran similar to Pakistan's Benazir Bhoutto that you might recall used to wear her scarf halfway and anger the Muslim extremists in Pakistan. That's the future that I see for Iran. You see, we have no individual role models left that the majority of nation would look up at he or she and that is exactly what the Russo-British have always been trying to accomplish in third world countries.
When there is no cultural cohesion then heroes pop up like a jack in the box and case in point the sudden nomination of Shirin joon and granting her a Nobel Prize a few years ago. Let me tell you something, if the idea behind winning a Nobel Prize is to put it on the mantelpiece to be looked at then you might as well get a vibrator instead that has some utility. Her best accomplishment so far was to not wear Islamic covers when touring Europe and North America while bad mouthing the US government and advocating reconciliation with the Islamic Regime.
While I see a very little chance for Mrs. Esfandiari to be nominated for Nobel Prize for Peace for 2008 (sorry that one is already bookmarked for coalition forces in Iraq), but I can see her winning Time's Woman of the Year and perhaps running for the office of Benazir Bhoutto in Iran someday. You see by then she will be well-known, she has done her jail time, has been a victim of a "former regime" and anything that takes for a typical president in a third world country.
Don't take me wrong, I hope she will return to US safely and most probably in exchange for the Iranian "diplomats" held in Iraq, but it all depends on how much dirt the British have dug on her and reported to IRI. One of the obligations of any corrupt and sold out regime is to cooperate with its masters to nominate some dissidents for future. Take Shah whom under pressure from the British embassy let Khomeini out of his fingers in early 60's perhaps thinking "a lice-ridden akhound can never be my replacement."
And don't be surprised that the current mullahs in Iran do not see in their wildest dream that a belly dancer might become the next president of Iran should they not comply with compulsory oil contracts placed in front of them by the Anglo-Russian sponsors. If Shah had signed the renewal of the contracts with the British his family would still be in Iran safe and sound. One should not "bite the hand that feeds him." His miscalculations prompted the British for their Plan B and Khomeini appeared in the moon within two years! Lord is my witness. That is of course the British "Lord."
Given the above scenarios, based on those who believe in "parliamentary monarchy" if a coup d'etat takes place a few years from now in Iran, Reza Pahlavi will return to Iran to be a figurehead promising not to interfere in politics and he will only function as a constitutionally appointed breeding machine guaranteeing enough male offspring to assure the Iranians nation that they will have a king and plenty of back up. I know what you are thinking "why not me, why not me?" You horny Iranian!
Most importantly thanks to the genetic engineering we can clone Reza Pahlavi and forever we can have him and his clones be our kings, or we can send each clone to a different regions of Iran so that they all have their own king following the famous British legend of King Arthur "all for one and one for all."
After such coup the military tribunal in charge of the interim government will nominate the following people as the official presidential candidates:
Diva of the Iranian music Googoush
Noble Prize winner Shirin joon
Former Miss Iraq finalist Maryam Rajavi
Former dissident and political prisoner Mrs. Esfandiari
You can see that there will be representation from all walks of life to participate in the British Plan B.
Who would you vote for?

RESOLUTIONS

All set for 2007
Jeesh Daram
January 7, 2007

Recall the nostalgia of homeland, when Christmas was only an Armenian celebration and the rest of us were just distant admirers of the glittering decorations on the shop windows in downtown Tehran?

On the other hand on this side of the world the celebration has been brought down to one massive competition and challenge of going to stores and buying all kinds of junk for one another and put it on credit cards so that we sell another year of our life to the sadistic "employer" and the "corporation" and hope to pay off those credit cards someday, wishful thinking.

All things considered I like the way the communists give each other New Year gifts -- everyone gives a roll of toilet tissue and receives one. They, however, express their emotions by the choice of color, some give white, some blue and some with flowers printed on the roll. Simple and utilitarian, nobody has to get up and go to the mall to return some of the stupid gifts hoping to get some cash in exchange.

As for the returning items, I think Costco will eventually discontinue the leniency on their return policy, because most Iranians think that Costco is only there so that they buy items and return in six months with their innocent look saying "Eye espeek wery wery leetle Ingeeleesh!" while I know for fact that most of them hold at least a doctorate degree in something. I mean look at the ads in Persian newspapers: majority of Iranian real estate agents are doctors -- no kidding take a look for yourself. I assume some were banned to practice medicine for one fraud or another and changed careers?

This year I am planning to add one more "O" to the word "LOL" when I am communicating through the Internet. Don't you miss those days when we used to actually visit people and go to their houses and have tea, laugh with our "face" and not with our "fingers" and occasionally solicit sex and return the favor at some other occasion? Now millions sit by their computer and use their fingers and "LOL" each other until their eyeballs bulge out of their sockets.

Last year I used "LOOL" but this year I am adding an extra "O" because the Democrats won and there is a reason to be a bit more cheerful, although I did not vote because it was windy outside and I asked myself "who gives a shit about my vote?" In my limited vision of the American electoral process only two things separate the Democrats from the Republicans, "abortion and gay rights" -- and both are sex related matters, as if there are no other issues in this world. And I, being a former convicted vegetarian (currently an omnivore on parole), shun away from open sex discussions except in the internet (LOOOL); did you notice the extra "O"?

I also made another New Year pledge: to never again carry "chelokabab koobeedeh" in my car. Every time I have done that, for weeks people made hints that the car smells like "Port-a-Putty" and were wondering if I had bowel movement inside the car! So, no more transport of this Persian dish in my car. I am doing a research now to find out if there is any scientific correlation between the above bad smell and the unhappy shop employees.

I once met a man while waiting to be seated in one of the Persian restaurants in LA. He gave me valuable advise: "if the owner is not here in person, the staff will shit all over the place!" (or in Persian "meereenan to ghaza!"). Since then, before I am seated in any Persian restaurant I always ask if the owner -- or at least the majority shareholder -- is personally present on that day. If the answer is negative I am out of there.

Well, I think I am all set to face 2007 in full force.

Saddam's last hours

He never gave up

Jeesh Daram
December 31, 2006

When they took his radio away he knew there must be something in the news that they don't want him to hear, and indeed this was the countdown to his execution.

There was only 24 hours left in Saddam's life. His American captors told him that they are going to let him meet with two of his half brothers so that he can discuss his wishes with them. At this point Saddam had no doubt that his life is over.

Upon arrival of his half brothers into his cell Saddam ordered two Canada Dry drinks for his guests which were immediately delivered by the prison guards. Saddam always thought that if he ordered Coke or Pepsi he would be boosting the US economy and ordering Canadian products he thought shows his defiance to the Americans and his allegiance to the British!

Among Saddam's personal belonging that he kept in a shoebox under his prison bed were these items that he gave to his half brothers on his last day of life:

1- Small notebook where he kept records of his cooking recipes. His plan was to start his own cooking show on TV if he was ever released. He was thinking "If they released Martha Stewart, they will certainly release me!"

2- An unused condom. In reply to his brothers bewildered surprise he said, "you never know when you need one."

3- A tube of Preparation H for soothing chronic hemorrhoid due to just sitting and doing nothing. His half brother was so touched when Saddam handed him the tube.

4- Can opener: as we all know, any descent Middle Eastern has to carry one with him at all time. It can be used for many things including as a weapon in a fight with bad drivers.

5- Establishment of Sepaheh Danesh (the Literacy Corps)... Oh shit I lost track of mind and thought I was reciting the ten articles of the White Revolution of the late Shah of Iran... anyway ignore this one.

6- A picture of Queen Elizabeth, he adored her so dearly. He also liked Benny Hill and never missed his shows.

7- A bottle of Mevacor, to keep his cholesterol down! It was, however, a generic version since his HMO did not cover brand names.

8- A copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People." You see what reading that book does to you?

They asked Saddam what he wanted for his last meal. He replied "as much as I hate Persians but I love their cuisine, so bring me an order of ghormeh sabzee with lots of Taftoon bread." Since Halliburton does not provide ghormeh sabzee in Baghdad they had to send an envoy to the local Persian grocer to buy a few frozen packages.

At five in the morning an hour before his execution he got into a verbal confrontation with guards and four-letter words were flying all over the place. According to reporter from Agence France Press the commotion started when Saddam saw that the breakfast was only bread, feta cheese and hot tea. He got pissed off and started cussing. You see he had requested kaleh pacheh (a medieval lamb dish consisting of tongue, eyes, brain and facial meat.) I know it doesn't sound like a meal and more like a crime scene but that's how things go over there. According to the eyewitnesses he attacked one of the guards and grabbed his balls (tokhmesho gereft), but then released his testicles on his own recognissance.

He never gave up!

Buyers beware

2008 U.S. presidential candidates

February 20, 2007

Doesn't it bother you that the news media take it upon themselves to tell you if a candidate to potentially become the next president is a woman or black or gay or vegetarian? Do they think that people can't see for themselves that Hillary Clinton is a woman? These days we keep hearing the generic description of 2008 presidential candidates:

"If Hillary Clinton wins the election she will be the first 'female' president"

Or:

"If successful senator Barak Obama will be the first 'black' President"

Don't you agree that this style of categorizing presidential candidates is more or less stereotyping of such candidates and seems like a reminder to the public as buyers beware?

If there are things to be said about the presidential candidates it has to be about their education, their past credentials and accomplishments and not the color of their skin. We prefer to find out about specific international and national accomplishments of candidates and not their anatomical identifications.

Here is Fox News' latest shortlist of candidates for the 2008 presidential election. You will see why I am concerned about this style of reporting. Please note that some names are changed to create mass confusion:

Senator Dan Roberts
If he wins he will be the first Mormon President who had anal sex during a senate filibuster.

Senator Hillary Clinton
If she wins the election she will be the first President whose husband had already consummated oral sex in the White House.

Former Federal Judge Sandra Tomlinson
If successful she will be the first president who slept with the entire class of 69.

New Mexico's Governor Bill Richardson
If Richardson wins he will be the first Hispanic president and has vowed he will hire an entire mariachi band to play everyday on the White House lawn.

Senator Lloyd Jensen
If he wins the 2008 election he will be the first president with diagnosed post-mortem depression.

Governor Samuel Johnson
If successful he will be the first president with a penis smaller than 5 inches.

Rudy Giuliani
If New York mayor Giuliani wins he will be the first President who fought prostate cancer before fighting any Middle Eastern oil producing country. He is also known for being able to count backward from 100 to zero fairly fast.

Shane Gibson
Currently unemployed but a Vice President hopeful, Gibson will be the first black Vice President as well as the first black that claims to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter.

Senator Robert Sandman
If successful he will be the first president with genital herpes.

Zereshk!

If you want to change public opinion in the U.S., this is not the way

February 12, 2007

Let me ask you a question: Why is it that you seldom see an Iranian political scientist being invited by FOX or CNN news or the likes to discuss their viewpoints about Iran despite of all that is going on between the West and Iran and the fact that we have such a large population of Iranians in the US?

Well, before I collect your answers let me jump to a little scenario before I forget:

When she lived in Iran the Revolution was two decades old, and by the time she got out of Iran she was about seventeen. Daddy somehow managed to get her out of Iran thanks to the fact that his green card was still valid and he decided to leave Iran for good. A couple of years later in the US she decides to write books, essays and articles against the Iranian regime staging herself in the center of it all as a political refugee, an expert on Iranian affairs, a poet, a victim of Islamic atrocities, a scholar at large, and 'nokhodeh har aash' a jack of all trades! "Ya aba abdollah khodet beh dadeh ma beres"

Allow me to quote from the Chinese Nationalist Leader Chiang Kai-shek that usually under such circumstances without any hesitation or equivocation would say "Zereshk!" How did a 17-year-old attain so much experience in Iran to single handedly open a chain of assaults on her motherland? Well, the answer is that any Iranian female who is willing to write a book or give a lecture against Islam or Iran is welcome by the western mass media as this is the open season against the Iranians.

First, they'll say it is the Iranian regime that they are after and then all Iranians who stand up for their country become "insurgents" and later on they get divided between the two category of "terrorists" and "insurgents" And if all fails they say it is a sectarian war! "pass baba installation of Democracy chee shod?" Very much like what we saw in Iraq. So be careful when you assault your motherland.

Just because a couple of time back in Iran the lunch that mommy prepared did not have enough 'tah-deeg' or because she had to wear a scarf between her house and the dancing party at friends' house, or perhaps because she had a few bouts of diarrhea during childhood in Iran or just because she had to stand a in long lines to get the groceries does not entitle her or anyone else to act like a political refugee. Baby you are not a refugee, you just don't know what goes on in your country and you are being played by the western media and they buy your articles and put you on the pedestal and invite you to this show and that interview for as long as you write against Iran and describe the injuries inflicted on your emotions from Islam. "ageh muchesh konam khoob meesheh?" Enjoy the fifteen minutes of fame.

The bottom line is the Iranians living abroad are choosing wrong ways to express their feelings towards West's desire to humiliate Iran. Ahamdinejaad and the form of Islam known in the west are the two scapegoats giving them enough excuse to keep Iran from any progress.

When Iranians in the US attend demonstrations against any potential economic sanctions or military attack against Iran they should realize that going to such demonstrations with their Saks Fifth Avenue dresses or their Louis Vuitton purses (most of them copycats made in China) this only makes the Americans to mistakenly think that we are not the same as the fellows who live in Iran. They think we are "Americanized" and the ones back home are wild and fanatics. Case in point, recall back in college days that you used to get the compliments "oh, you don't look Iranians, you look so Italian"? Certainly the American who said that to you meant it as a compliment but in reality that is an insult. You look like an Italian but rest of your country looks so ugly!

If you want to change the public opinions about Iranians (the ones back home) you need to attend these 'stop war demonstrations' and perhaps do the followings:

Wear the same attire that an Iranian woman wears back in Iran. Wear a scarf, wear a Kurdish or Turkmen dress or whatever even a chador, but no Donna Karan por favor. And most importantly no bleach blondes to be allowed to participate. Nose job is OK.

Make lots of 'halva' and bring the whole pot and put it on the sidewalk across from the White House and serve the halva wrapped in noon lavash and carry it on a large tray and offer it to the public around the White House:

"Sir have some Halva, dahanetoono shirin koneen, we are Iranians against any attacks on Iran"

Keep passing Halva and noon to everyone including police officers, secret service look alike et al.

Do the same with several trays of Persian dates and zulbia-bamieh, and just offer them to the public and remind them you are an Iranian who has lived in US for many years and you don't want your country be a target of western greed, let them realize that we are no better than the Iranians back home. This leaves a good impression on the American public. The good taste of halva goes a long way. By the way let's not be shy and if there is any budgetary issues for the cost of preparing the food just pick up the phone and call Prince Reza's office (Shahvat Foundation formerly known as Pahlavi Foundation), he will be delighted to pitch in a few thousand dollars for a good cause, doesn't he? It's tax deductible anyway.

Iranian men please avoid carrying Starbucks coffee in one hand and the placards in the other this makes you look Americanized. Carry a huka and smoke the hell out of it and offer it to the public.

Men also to avoid wearing blue jeans and expensive shirts when going to these "no attack on Iran demonstrations" just wear pajamas and a sandal! You recall back home we used to go to 'noonvaee' with pajamas so why not here, be an Iranian for a day.

Celebrity voices have also been proved as a very effective tool to change public opinions. So let's find out if Oscar winner Sally Field is willing to participate in these demonstrations wearing the same black chador that she wore in her low-budget movie "Not without My Daughter" Perhaps she is not as angry anymore and at least can help with the halva distribution if nothing else.

One assassination, two killings

Why it's difficult to feel sorry for Benazir Bhutto

share

by Jeesh Daram
02-Jan-2008
I am deeply saddened and still trying to recover from the horrible news of the killings and frankly, more shocked about the “killings”, than the “assassination”. When I look at her eyes, those innocent eyes, it churns my heart as why should a beautiful creature like her be killed in cold blood. What has she done wrong? What did she say to deserve being killed? What was the justification for her death? Poor dear Tatiana. How come no leader of the world blamed Islamic terrorists to be responsible for your death?
We talk about the environment, global warming, and endangered creatures and species of our planet, yet, everyday we are witnessing how under the pretence of law, crimes are being committed by those who are in charge of enforcing their modem operandi in accordance to what is written and known as the law of the land.
I am deeply saddened about the two killings, although am only somewhat mellow for the assassination.
You might think I am talking about sadness for Benazir Bhutto, and I am not. Although I feel sorry for her decision, however that is not why I am saddened. Benazir’s life was shortened because she decided so. She decided to be a martyr for her cause. Her death became her mission. She died for what she believed in. Benazir became a hero in that part of the world which worships dead heroes.
You can not deny that up to two days ago she was just an opposition leader and a very few called her a “hero”. But now, she is dead and the title is changed to hero. You see, in the East, those heroes whom are not killed or assassinated most likely end up to be accused of corruption by passage of time. Benazir was no exception. She was accused of corruption as well. incomplete heroes end up in prison or die in exile. Quite rare to see that such person lives a normal life as a hero! Bhutto was aware of that, she was a career politician. That is why it makes it difficult to sit here and feel sorry for her, but one can certainly feel sorry for her children and wonder about their mission in life.
In Eastern philosophy of flirtation with politics (regardless of religion), it is much easier to become a hero if you are killed for your cause and your body is mutilated and gets torn to pieces. Upon which your metamorphosis to martyrdom is instantaneous. You can be a Jew, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Seek or Hindu, if you are in East that is the name of the game.
However, your acquired title as a hero is neither guaranteed nor eternal. It’s more of a privilege than a right, very much like your passport. Your martyrdom sometimes ends with a change of regime and you become a dead villain overnight. Books that have praised you get banned and burned, your tomb desecrated and your grave can get excavated and exhumed and your remains cremated along with burning tires and plastic buckets, depending on how drastic the regime change might be. Your former supporters will deny any association with you and your name will be removed from public places. May god bless your soul, because your body belongs to the mob!
It is a complex value system beyond the comprehension of an average non-espionage-minded Westerner. That is precisely why the western leaders, parrot-like take their turn and blame such assassination on “Islamic Terrorism”, without giving the proper credit to any real organization that truly exists and is not a fictitious creation of Pentagon. No Oscar, no Golden Globe award, nothing, not even a simple “thank you”, just Islamic Terrorism. What happened to the intellectual property rights?
Now, wait till the Middle East oil runs out in a few decades and by god and the holly mother of matrimony, all crimes committed from then on will be blamed on Vegetarian Buddhists. They will be the terrorists 50 years from now when our pensions will be paid by the Chinese government and China successfully clones one fucking replica of each and every one of us and sells it to us for half price and we think we’ve got a great deal! At the same time, Nevada, Arizona and New Mexico will become world’s largest child laborer factory states, making fortune cookies for exportation to China.
Benazir was caught in the turmoil of so many hands interfering with both her mother's homeland (Iran) and her father's (Pakistan). She accepted death because she could not accept all the other deals offered to her, all the other commitments that she would have had to make to survive. That is the way things are in the Eastern world –if you want to engage in serious politics, you must be prepared and willing to give blood or draw blood?
But today I am saddened for the killing of another beautiful “female” creature of god that somehow her murder has been buried in the news. No demonstrations, no public unrest, no burning of cars. She was not a beauty from Pakistan, this one was from Siberia.
She had nothing to do with politics and she had no support from the State Department or secret deals with 10 Downing Street. She was an innocent, lonely, captive prisoner, far from her homeland and in her loneliness suffering without any hope for freedom.
I am saddened for the killing of the Siberian beauty, Tatiana. If you were moved by Benazir’s beauty, then take a look at Tatiana. Look at her innocence, her childish eyes, and her sad and lonely tragic life. Look at Tatiana, the beautiful, lovely little tiger, whom like those captives at the Guantanamo Bay had no one to guarantee a protection for her. San Francisco Zoo became her Guantanamo.
On Christmas Eve, 2007 a young boy Carlos Sousa Jr., 17 also lost his life trying to persuade the tiger to leave his friend alone. Tatiana turned to Carlos and killed him instead. It is yet to be investigated if the Tatiana was provoked. She had also attacked her trainer two years ago, but this time she was able to escape from her cage and attack three people. Tatiana was killed a few minutes after police arrived.
I am also saddened by my cognitive bias, because similar killing that I am referring to can also happen to an Afghan who has been captured a few years ago and is spending his life in captivity at the Guantanamo. One wrong move he dares to make and he can get killed. One wrong answer and he can be tortured. No privacy, no room for thinking, no chance to recover from nightmares of the prior day, or from the tortures of prior night, an endless horror in the hands of his captors.
With every sunrise, the well-fed, strong US soldiers torture the weak and sick captives in the name of Lord Jesus Christ, or is it the Geneva Convention or perhaps Homeland Security? All the same, they are duty bound to torture those “infidels” who have taken up arms against foreign enemies in their own land, in their mother land as they did against the former liberators, the Soviets! They are now in captivity in a land, foreign to both, the captor and the prisoner. No valid reasons as why they are kept in captivity thousands of miles from their home and away from their loved ones. Their destiny unknown, their life worthless, their belief system shattered and the Birth of Christ comes and goes year after year and no one on Earth gives a damn about these captives of foreign greed. It appears as if the entire world has “taken the fifth” and the pledge of silence, in order not to self-incriminate!
What would you have done if you were Tatiana, or if you were in Guantanamo? Wouldn’t you have done the same if your captors at Guantanomo Bay would have given you that opportunity? Would you have killed every one of them for kidnapping, abducting and bringing you from your homeland all the way to a foreign land trying to extract information out of you against your own people? Wouldn’t any American soldier done what Tatiana did, if he was imprisoned for life in a foreign land?
Tatiana died like a hero too, putting stop to a life of captivity in the hands of those that think plastic decorations will match one’s homeland and a Christmas tree means happiness to those who have no one in their lives. Tatiana was a symbol of all those in captivity that are being tortured in one way or another. Carlos was an innocent teen caught in the middle of the turmoil. He became a victim of consequences.
Tatiana would have made a great friend with those innocent Afghans who are being tortured day and night at Guantanamo, while the rest of us are celebrating the birth of Christ…… Oh what fun…!
Let’s hope the spirits of Benazir and Tatiana join in heaven and it certainly makes me feel a bit content that I do not believe in the reincarnation crap. Who wants to come back to this ghetto?
See Tatiana:
http://www.physorg.com/newman/gfx/news/2006/tigeri...
See Benazir here:
http://www.digischool.nl/kleioscoop/bhutto%20benaz.

Crocodile tears

Animal rights? Global warming? We have much higher priorities in life to worry about, such as corporate productivity

July 11, 2007

Don't you miss the old days when rare tigers of India used to be butchered and skinned artfully so that our beautiful actresses and world's 'femme fatale' wear those lovely coats and so elegantly flow over the red carpets under their feet in the elite circles? Ava Gardner, Elizabeth Taylor, Grace Kelly to name a few, were the ones contributed to the thriving industry of skinning wild and endangered species.
Or one can rejoice and cherish the memories of those days that in National Geographic's programs on TV you would see first hand how the little fucking Antarctica's baby fur seals (Arctocephalus gazelle) would be clubbed to death and red blood splatter all over the white snow. That used to be similar to today's version of The Sopranos that you would get that adrenalin rush of seeing the shattering of a creatures skull and splashing of blood over the cameraman's lens and pieces of brain garnish his pasta dish, oh yes those were the days.
Yep, as for the fur seals the Japanese fishermen used to lure them into submission: "come on little seal ... .come on closer beautiful little baby ... "
And then you would hear this muffled noise in the snow "plupp"and that was the sound of the iron club shattering the seal's head just wide open, and the dumb-ass creature wondering what happened to him, "sayonara you little bastard."And people used to sit back and enjoy their pot roast and mashed potato with cornbread dinner and just watch those programs and laugh their heads off. "Honey would you pass the horse radish."
It was a win-win situation. The fishermen made a living, the rich got their fashionable garments, coats, collars and cuffs and the audience got something to chew on and justifying why they had to bomb Japan a few years earlier to begin with. It all worked out somehow and it made us understand why we prayed before each meal. Oh Lord ... keep those devil communists out of our land and send Khrushchev to hell where he belongs to ... Amen.
Later on as we started thinking the world was a safer place because Mr. Khrushchev joined Alcoholics Anonymous in Moscow and Yasser Arafat started smiling, the Beatles created this stupid tradition of giving 'benefit concerts!' So we heard over and over and over the lyrics of:
"Bangladesh ... Bangladesh ... where so many people are dying fast ... and it sure looks like a mess ... Bangladesh ... Bangladesh ... "
And my dad used to yell "Zahre-maaaar, kamesh kon oon radioyeh maadar-ghahba-ro"or "turn that fucking radio down."And reluctantly we would lower the volume for a while. But then an hour later you would hear: Bangladesh,,,Bangladesh ... .
I tell you what, before I forget I want to go back to those fucking tigers' issue. On a short trip near Caspian Sea in 1979 I stopped at an art and craft store that mostly sold wooden bowls, straw hats and dried garlic on strings. But I also noticed an out of place object there; a stuffed body of a baby Persian tiger (Panthera tigris virgata) now completely extinct, thank god.
The taxidermy job on the baby tiger was done so badly with pieces of fur missing and looked like a homeless outside McDonald's that have not had a shower for six years and of all things the baby tiger had a smile on his face! The shopkeeper seemed proud of his prized collection and like a typical Iranian merchant gave you a silent hint of "you can't afford it so don't even bother to ask how much it is." Another tourist tried to shove a little stick up the tiger's ass (another Iranian tradition) to see if it will move. And we all laughed and felt amused ... "oh thank you Lord for giving us Imam Khomeini so that we can have the freedom of stuffing our wildlife so that everyone gets a chance to see them at arms-length and perhaps sticking an object up their ass at will ... Amen"... and life went on.
If you are wondering about the virtue of exterminating these beasts, then let me tell you, I can't keep up with the fucking squirrels in the backyard, so now can you imagine if every morning you had to fight with tigers climbing your walnut trees, hanging from your bird feeders and make shelter in your attics?
We have much higher priorities in life to worry about, such as corporate productivity, which is far more important than a little exotic cat that would want to shit in my backyard or yours at will and cut a piece of your first born for snack. We are a busy nation and a pre-occupied world and we can only worry about our productivity at work or else guess what, we will get a little stick up our ass for low performance and your job and mine will be sent to China and India "heeloo mee I heelp Yu peeleez." Now, who says Japanese and Canadian fishermen are so bad?
So, I want to zoom forward through the massacres of dolphins, government ban on any tuna that shares the net with dolphins, Green Peace's noise, Amnesty International's alliance with subversive governments intelligence agencies and President Carter's baloney claim of absence of human rights in Iran back in 1976, and all the other bullshits that we have been saying, hearing and doing in the name of being "politically correct" all the way to Bush's administration.
For all practical reasons the Bush administration should at least throw one concert for the Children of Iraq who have been dying for lack of food or medicine or for all the innocent children of Palestine brought up to blow themselves up with six packs of dynamite and for the so called martyrs of Iran-Iraq war who were under 17 and carried the keyless remote controls to the gates of heaven while walking on the minefields. You wonder how come no one initiates a concert for those losses. Well, don't ask me, I was just busy worrying about my corporate productivity.
So what happened? Well, Carter gets a Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 for implementation of human rights in Iran two decades earlier, Shirin Ebadi gets one in 2003 for defending the Palestinian cause and nonetheless not a single Swedish have asked Putin if he wants a Noble for his contributions in Chechen province and that is perhaps why Putin seems a bit stiff all the time.
Witnessing what happened, Al Gore got tired of waiting for recognition and embarked on to become the advocate of fight against 'Global Warming' and it just happened that I saw him recently at a KFC (where chickens are made with no transient fat and instead they use ethanol for cooking) wearing a T-shirt that said "my friends got the Noble Prize and all I got was a shared fucking Oscar award!"Despite of his age and possibly high cholesterol he opted to order the original recipe.
Come to think of it Al Gore has a point. How would you feel if they had stolen the election from under your feet, sent you to the spiral of depression and oblivion and then persuade you to come up with the idea of saving the world from "global warming"and give you an Oscar to share with someone else with the hope that you might just go home and retire and write your memoirs? No doubt it hurts.
But fame got the better of Al Gore and now of all things what does he want to do? Well, he wants to give a benefit concert for global warming!
"Ya moos-abneh Jafar hamin yekee ro kam dashteem"
What global warming? Every grocery store you go to is freezing cold, movie theatres, shopping malls, Chuck E Cheese's and you name it ... do you feel or see any sign of global warming? Plus, what did they invent electric fans for? If you are hot just go to Kmart and get yourself a fan and stop nagging, I am just too busy worrying about my corporate productivity or else my job will be exported to India where the phone operators put you on hold until they finish their afternoon prayer!
We are always a little too far and too late. Six hundred billion dollars of donations later Bangladesh is still a devastated nation, fucking baby seals are being clubbed to death in neighboring Canada to the tune of more than 300,000 a year, dolphins die and tunas still taste like dolphins, tigers' testicles and bear paws are still served in top Japanese and Singapore black market restaurants and no longer just as an aphrodisiac but for improving your corporate productivity and it certainly does help and we can see the results.
Then we saw Iran's human rights barometer went way below zero so Carter no longer talks about Iran and his focus is now on Israel and Al Gore son's gets arrested for some kind of driving issue mixed with drugs. That's what happens when you mix diesel with ethanol and drive, friends don't let friends drive on ethanol. If he listens to his dad he would never get into trouble.
The bottom line is if you want to prevent a disaster from happening do something before the disaster spreads its roots. Darfur's mass starvation is wiping the population but Al Gore is now too preoccupied with his concert on global warming. One should ask him "while you are at it why don't you include Darfur's issue into the concert too and just sell more tickets?"
Meanwhile baby seals clubbing continues and I can't wait to see a Disney version of it. However, the little innocent baby face rich-bitch Paris Hilton's goes to jail and gets freed by humanitarian judges who are perhaps working for Amnesty International and just a week later Hilton Hotels gets sold and she becomes triple times richer than before she went to jail, only in America. "Oh Lord, thanks for the opportunity of having us migrate to this land of milk and honey, where one can buy jail time if he or she has the right team of attorneys... Amen"
And as for global warming, trust me as soon as Iran stops producing nuclear energy and goes back to exporting rugs, pistachios and hair removers and agrees to sign off on what the British, Russians and the oil companies put in front of them there will be no more global warming and in fact the entire world will feel like the resorts of Abe Ali and Dizin or Vail, Colorado. We will realize it was just another western bullshit similar to human rights issue created by Carter to bring Khomeini to Iran.
However, all these arguably 'bad' things happen because we don't know how to give promotion concerts ahead of time. We wait and wait and when shit hits the fan what do we do? We invite bunch of British homosexual musicians to scream from the bottom of their esophagus in the name of humanity and shed crocodile tears and we give generously with our credit cards and wallets and we think we have solved the problem. Next time just go to your temple and light up a candle as it is much cheaper. Or think ahead of time, start inviting your favorite British band and rent your stadium now, because I am going to continue capturing these squirrels and I am going to get medieval on their ass, till they are extinct.
Now I have to spend the rest of the day with this stupid tune ringing in my ears ... Bangladesh ... Bangladesh

Sir Ruhollah Khomeini

For services to the British crown & country

June 18, 2007

The objective is not to defend the 'organized religion' and sometimes the best is to let it be just like we do not mess around with 'organized crime'. But the intention of this discussion is to show how religion is being used to suppress millions of people. If it wasn't for petroleum and greed of oil; Islam in the eyes of the westerners most likely would have been as dear as Buddhism or any other organized religion.

Salman Rushdie most likely would be nobody if it wasn't for Ruhollah Khomeini. Considering Rushdie's cheap novel Satanic Verses, it would have been ignored even by the most zealot Muslims, but following the British line, it was Khomeini that made a name for this "Indian" author and eventually helped him to get a title of "Sir" and knighthood from Khomeini's bosses.

Since this bizarre masquerade runs almost through three generations it is simple for the naiveté to give credence to this story of how an Indian Muslim-born writer wrote a novel manifesto about Islam called Satanic Verses and became a subject of a death sentence fatwa by Khomeini. After that Rushdie went to hiding and gained fifty pounds and when he came out of hiding Khomeini was gone and the Muslim world was just too busy saving its shirt than worrying about a half-ass writer such as Rushdie.

Islamization of Iran has been a work in progress that goes back to 1970's. The grand scam of pushing back Iran to dark ages has many building blocks among them been to bring Khomeini to power. Khomeini's father was a British spy born in India and was sent to Iran during Ghajars and served the British well and subsequently his son became the key pun in gradual destruction of Iran and was commissioned to Iran to overthrow the Shah.

The ironic situation that many might not pay attention to is that the British plan worked well. One British appointed man with Indian heritage "Khomeini" issues a fatwa of death sentence on another Indian "Rushdie" to basically spread the fire of hatred of the west towards Islam in general and Iran in particular. Although Khomeini was too old and senile to understand what people around him were doing in his name nonetheless his hatred of Iranian nationalism played very well into the British hands who had given Rushdie a mission of publishing his thoughts. The plan so far has worked according to the expectations. When you add up all incidents such as Rushdie rise to knighthood and Iran's nuclear energy ambition, all such issues has given the west carte blanche to do as it pleases; invasion of two countries and isolation of Iran for three decades and to inhibit Iran's economy from any progress by appointing corrupt tyrants into key positions.

This cat and mouse show is not close to an ending by any means yet. The hand-picked Iranians are running the shows in line with British diplomacy and its sphere of influence. From Ahmadinejad a clairvoyant feeble President that sees Imam Zaman and talks to him during his schizophrenic episodes to a world body that despises everything that Iran stands for, all cards are in line to keep Iran from any progress simply because it's the second largest oil producer in the world with huge untapped other natural resources and smart people. The Islamic Republic of Iran has been the best friend of all countries of the world except Iran.

No other nation has been harmed from the Islamic Republic other than the Iranians. This proves that these clans were neither elected nor selected by the Iranians. The grant of knighthood to Rushdie was just another daily dose of reminder to the world that Islam is their number one enemy and they should be afraid of it, very afraid. For all fairness Queen Elizabeth of London should have also awarded a posthumous 'Sir' title and an order of knighthood as a thank you gesture to another servant of the British throne Ruhollah Khomeini.