Jeesh Daram
January 27, 2007
How many times have you asked a child, "sweetheart what do you want to be when you grow up?" Most kids answer an astronaut, firefighter, policeman or a doctor, but do you ever hear a child say, "I want to become a urologist" or even worse a "proctologist?" Don't take me wrong I know how important this field is, but what is it that triggers someone to pursue such career? These are the morbid thoughts that keep me awake during the day.
While we are at it let's have an illustration: How does a proctologist respond on his first blind date with a beautiful girl in a fancy restaurant, while the dinner is being served she asks: "so what do you exactly do for living?" and he has to hesitantly reply: "I am a proctologist!" Mother of Jesus, that puts shiver into your spine just to think about it.
I mean if someone says "brain surgeon" or "heart surgeon" then in your mind you think of the brain or you visualize the heart, but how do you show your admiration when you hear the word proctologist on the first date?
We can only speculate and assume that the top medical schools' graduates will become brain surgeons, neurologists or vascular surgeons and then the leftover seats go to would be urologists and the final few seats to the proctologist that usually end up just standing at the end of the class due to unavailability of seats. I could be wrong but doesn't't that sound logical that nobody would volunteer for such career and it only happens due to force majeure, act of god or kismet that one becomes a proctologist?
Take for example a "general practician doctor" which I believe is basically there like a toll booth to collect your $10 co-payment, strike a rubber hammer to your knee caps once a year and ruining your day by sticking his finger up your ass and then says "everything looks good!" At this day and age that man has sent remote control rovers to planets Mars, to the Moon and beyond why is it that we have not invented a remote control probe to search for prostate inflammation to replace the doctors' fingers? And then you blame me for believing in conspiracy theory! Suffice to say that a general practician is nothing more than an obstacle and hurdle between you and a true specialist that he ends up sending you to when he is puzzled what's wrong with you.
Years ago I was flying from LA to DC and somewhere between the ground and 30,000 feet an old man got a heart attack inside our airplane. Within a minute the stewardess came and asked the man who was sitting next to me if he is a medical doctor because his name was listed as a doctor on the passengers list.
The man put down his magazine, removed his glasses and with his five fingers combed back his hair and with an air of self-gratification like one would only expect from Marcello Masteroianni responded: "I am a doctor of entomology." Or if translated into Adult Education English we presume that he studied insects.
Up above the clouds that day all of us were as useful as this "doctor" was or as useless! An average moron gets bored five minutes after catching flies, and what does a doctor of entomology do between 9-5 each day? Come to think of it aren't we all entomologists in our own accord?
There should be a law passed enforcing only doctors of medicine to be called "doctors" and the rest of people with a PhD or a doctorate to be addressed with other titles such as Senior or Maestro, and in particular forbid attorneys to advertise themselves as "doctors" for Pete's sake. Those who got their PhD or doctorate on-line and through the Internet should be addressed as CyberSpaceMaestro or anything but "Doctor."
Reflecting on words of wisdom of country western singer Willie Nelson:
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys...
And if my doctor reads the above he would probably remind of me of what the Persian poet Saadi said:
"cho beh gashty tabeeb az khod mayazaar
cheragh az bahreh tareekee negahdaar"
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