RESOLUTIONS

All set for 2007
Jeesh Daram
January 7, 2007

Recall the nostalgia of homeland, when Christmas was only an Armenian celebration and the rest of us were just distant admirers of the glittering decorations on the shop windows in downtown Tehran?

On the other hand on this side of the world the celebration has been brought down to one massive competition and challenge of going to stores and buying all kinds of junk for one another and put it on credit cards so that we sell another year of our life to the sadistic "employer" and the "corporation" and hope to pay off those credit cards someday, wishful thinking.

All things considered I like the way the communists give each other New Year gifts -- everyone gives a roll of toilet tissue and receives one. They, however, express their emotions by the choice of color, some give white, some blue and some with flowers printed on the roll. Simple and utilitarian, nobody has to get up and go to the mall to return some of the stupid gifts hoping to get some cash in exchange.

As for the returning items, I think Costco will eventually discontinue the leniency on their return policy, because most Iranians think that Costco is only there so that they buy items and return in six months with their innocent look saying "Eye espeek wery wery leetle Ingeeleesh!" while I know for fact that most of them hold at least a doctorate degree in something. I mean look at the ads in Persian newspapers: majority of Iranian real estate agents are doctors -- no kidding take a look for yourself. I assume some were banned to practice medicine for one fraud or another and changed careers?

This year I am planning to add one more "O" to the word "LOL" when I am communicating through the Internet. Don't you miss those days when we used to actually visit people and go to their houses and have tea, laugh with our "face" and not with our "fingers" and occasionally solicit sex and return the favor at some other occasion? Now millions sit by their computer and use their fingers and "LOL" each other until their eyeballs bulge out of their sockets.

Last year I used "LOOL" but this year I am adding an extra "O" because the Democrats won and there is a reason to be a bit more cheerful, although I did not vote because it was windy outside and I asked myself "who gives a shit about my vote?" In my limited vision of the American electoral process only two things separate the Democrats from the Republicans, "abortion and gay rights" -- and both are sex related matters, as if there are no other issues in this world. And I, being a former convicted vegetarian (currently an omnivore on parole), shun away from open sex discussions except in the internet (LOOOL); did you notice the extra "O"?

I also made another New Year pledge: to never again carry "chelokabab koobeedeh" in my car. Every time I have done that, for weeks people made hints that the car smells like "Port-a-Putty" and were wondering if I had bowel movement inside the car! So, no more transport of this Persian dish in my car. I am doing a research now to find out if there is any scientific correlation between the above bad smell and the unhappy shop employees.

I once met a man while waiting to be seated in one of the Persian restaurants in LA. He gave me valuable advise: "if the owner is not here in person, the staff will shit all over the place!" (or in Persian "meereenan to ghaza!"). Since then, before I am seated in any Persian restaurant I always ask if the owner -- or at least the majority shareholder -- is personally present on that day. If the answer is negative I am out of there.

Well, I think I am all set to face 2007 in full force.